Biopsies and Blow Torches

I had to have an endometrial biopsy done yesterday. I was assured that it would not hurt. I was assured that I would feel some pressure and a little pinch. Even though they were going to go into my uterus with a foreign body and suck out some lining to test it, it wouldn't be painful. We promise, yaddayaddayadda.

If their idea of a little pressure was equivalent to taking someone's face and holding it against the muffler of a bus that has traveled 500 miles, then yes, I felt a little pressure. If a little pinch equates to someone making you lie facedown on the floor, taking your right ear and stamping on it while wearing metal golf cleats, then yes, there was a little pinch.

It felt as though Satan lit a cigarette lighter and held it inside my uterus till I kicked him in the throat. Afterward, my legs shook as though I had run 10 miles in foot-deep snow with hip waders on, carrying a 5 year old child and his pet doberman pinscher on my back.

This procedure is barbaric. I am insisting on being put completely out the next time anyone approaches me with a surgical instrument. If they refuse, I will bring out a flask of alcohol and wash down 7 xanax with the contents of said flask till I pass out.

Mondays

Sunny Mondays that follow sunny Sundays are tougher than trying to pull up a wet one-piece bathing suit over a damp body.

The Squeaky Wheel?

The saying "The squeaky wheel gets the grease" is one of the truest things I've ever heard. The people who bitch and moan, whine and generally make everyone else's life miserable seem to end up on top all the time. Why is that?

Sleep, Perchance?

I can always tell when my body is going to start screwing around with me. I'll be at my desk, diligently working, and all of a sudden, the Fifty-Something Female Caribbean Flush (FSFCF) erupts on my chest, climbs up to my neck and then to my face. My hair becomes damp. My bra feels wet. And then it's gone. This is my warning: Brace yourself, honey. Here comes the ravenous appetite, hot flashes, mood swings, and horrible sleep patterns once again.

I can go months without these feelings. Months where I congratulate myself that the worst is over. And then - surprise! The FSFCF appears.

I know I should be grateful for everything in my life. That's what the Bible says somewhere. But come on! Isn't menstrual cramping, fatigue, childbirth, having to wear a bra, and dealing with chin hairs enough torture for one lifetime? We have to deal with the end of the fertile period in our lives too, by the FSFCF?

Excuse my whining. I just experienced a hot flash that had me ripping my bathrobe off and running out to the back patio to cool off.

Menopause is.....

.....having zits and wrinkles on the same face.
.....crying at State Farm commercials.
.....almost missing your monthly periods. I said almost!
.....getting pissed off at your deodorant.
.....anticipating the second you can take your bra off and get comfortable.
.....missing having a waistline.
.....feeling like the only thing that will make you smile is smacking a complete stranger or having a Malibu Bay Breeze or six.
.....feeling disdainful when you see skinny women modeling plus-size clothing.
.....looking at your high school prom pictures and thinking, "Honey, you have alot to learn."
.....realizing that your childbearing years are officially over and the thought actually bothers you a little. For a fleeting second. Till you come to your senses.
.....embracing new people, new ideas and new underwear with the same enthusiasm.
.....refusing a dinner date with your friends because you have to pluck your chin hairs first.
.....forgetting key moments in your life, like your wedding.
.....never having to say, "Damn, I'm out of tampons" again.
.....having to write everything down because your memory is as non-existent as your waistline.
.....paying over $1000 a year at the hairdressers for three good hair days.
.....seeing gray hairs and not worrying about it.
.....wearing reading glasses.
.....looking at your hands and wondering when they started looking like your mother's.
.....actually liking your own children.
.....taking a bite out of life. And anything else you feel like.

The Facebook Circle

Today I went to a memorial service for a classmate from high school. I hadn't seen this classmate probably since June 1, 1975, the day we graduated. But thanks to Facebook, I reconnected with her last year.

Facebook has been the technology tool that has reunited many of us from that graduating class. Women with whom I walked the halls of Notre Dame from 1971 - 1975, women who were not a part of the gaggle of girls that I regularly hung with back then, have become the Circle of Friends. Our common bond is that our journey to adulthood started in the same place and shaped who we are now. That, and we all have computers with a Facebook account!

We are a diverse group. Among us we have a court reporter, a couple teachers, a CPA, a homemaker or two, a columnist, a corporate VP, a HS guidance department head. Several of us are breast cancer survivors. Some have lost parents. All have lost a classmate. We live in NJ, PA, DE, Utah, Florida, Virginia, and other places. Some are married, some are divorced, some are single, some have significant others. Some have at least one kid. We all bear a resemblance to the girls we were 35 years ago but the lines on our faces and the gray in our hair attest to lives filled with work, family, and challenges won and lost. We are the Circle of Friends, true sisters of the heart. We give support better than any expensive bra. And that's how we roll.

Godspeed, Linda, the one who remains in the middle of the Circle.

Remember the Innocent

Especially in this time of TOO MUCH (too much food, too many gifts, too much company, too many ornaments, etc.), we have a responsibilty to protect and care for the innocent beings in our world. In keeping with that thought, our local animal shelter is in dire need of items to help care for the homeless animals. Please, if you are interested in donating an item, leave a comment on this blog and we'll work it out. God bless you! And Happy Thanksgiving.

1. Wet or dry cat and dog food
2. Cat Toys (no dog toys)
3. Cat Bedding
4. Old Towels, sheets, blankets, pillows
5. Shelves
6. Cat and Dog Treats
7. Dog Leashes
8. Donations to spay and neuter
9. Vinyl flooring for cat cages
10. Can openers
11. Scoops
12. Litter box scoops
13. Stainless steel or ceramic dishes
14. Cat dishes
15. Catnip
16. Tuna fish or hot dogs
17. Cat litter
18. Plastic or metal forks, spoons, and knives
19. Cat Furniture
20. Scratching posts
21. Used TVs
22. Used radios
23. Anything else you can't use
24. Volunteers