All Ears

Selective Hearing is defined in Mom’s Dictionary as: 1. behavior by which sound is perceived only when one chooses to perceive it; 2. the act or process of perceiving sound once in a while, or when one feels like it, or of perceiving only portions of verbal information and virtually ignoring the rest. In that same Dictionary, Constant Nagging is defined as, 1. talking incessantly about the same thing until the end of time; 2. going over and over the same information to the same people until the cows come home; and 3. directing or informing others of tasks or necessary details on an hourly, or more frequent, basis.

There is no cure for Selective Hearing. Doctors cannot treat this malady. No machine, surgery, or auditory aid can rid a sufferer of this condition. One is not born with Selective Hearing. One acquires Selective Hearing as one gets older. Statistics show that most cases of Selective Hearing begin at age 5 and worsen over the years, until at age 50 and above, virtually no sound is heard other than key words or phrases like “Dinner is ready” or “Do you want to fool around?” 99.95% of Selective Hearing sufferers are male, and the disease is definitely hereditary.

Selective Hearing can come and go. It comes on very suddenly to the males in my house when talk turns to yard work. The mere mention of rakes, shovels, mulch, and lawnmowers brings on an epidemic of Selective Hearing. Yet the very same patients display an amazing range of auditory ability when food, money, sports, or sleeping are spoken aloud.

Selective Hearing is usually accompanied by facial contortions and odd sounds. Sometimes I can predict a bout of Selective Hearing just by watching the face of my husband or sons. The mouth falls open a bit, all facial lines are erased, and blank eyes dart from side to side. At times, a guttural sound is emitted by the sufferer, one which sounds very much like someone being punched in the stomach. It goes something like this: “Huhhhhhh?”

I have witnessed Selective Hearing striking a sufferer in the middle of a conversation. While holding forth to Donnie about how he needs to pick up another class for the fall semester, his face goes slack and his eyes glaze over. When I finish my discourse about available courses and ask him what he will register for, I get the stomach-punching sound: “Huhhhhh?”

My husband looks intently at me as I speak. He appears to be listening, but in reality he is thinking about work, or vacation, or having a glass of wine, or Jessica Simpson. His face is carefully schooled in the “Fake Listener” expression. The “Fake Listener” expression is similar to the Selective Hearing expression except for the erasing of facial lines. The “Fake Listener” expression includes frown lines, which are meant to indicate concentration. The eyes still dart, and the mouth is open, but the frown is designed to reassure the speaker that, yes, honey, I am hanging on your every word and no, honey, I am not employing Selective Hearing.

When the kids were younger, before the advent of cordless telephones, the ring of the phone triggered Selective Hearing. I would be giving instructions about no TV or snacks till homework is done and commands for cleaning up bedrooms when the phone would ring. Snap! Severe Selective Hearing. While I answered the phone, the TV went on, the All-You-Can-Eat Snack Buffet opened up, and the school books slammed closed. I used to try and get their attention without interrupting the person on the other end of the phone. I snapped my fingers and pointed threateningly. I stamped my feet. I tossed small objects in their paths. I wrote menacing things in the dust on the coffee table. To no avail. As I picked up that ringing phone, their Selective Hearing kicked into “on” mode. The words that were heard were: TV and snacks. Selective Hearing, that devastating condition, erased the words “no,” ‘homework,” and cleaning.”

Research is being done to find a cause for this awful disease. Please help wipe out Selective Hearing. Call 1-800-H-U-H-H-H-H-H with your pledge. You’ll be helping millions of women keep their sanity intact.