Bumper Stickers

They say that the eyes are the windows of the soul. I don’t need eyes to tell me almost everything I need to know about a person. All I have to do is look at their car, or more specifically, what they put on their car. These days, people plaster their cars with every imaginable kind of bumper sticker, sign and license plate. These decorated cars make for interesting reading when stuck in a traffic jam. They also provide vital information about the person so that when you yell insults at them, chances are you’ll hit their Achilles Heel.

The stickers range from where they vacation, who their favorite politician is, where their kids go to school and what grades they get, professional, college, high school and travel sports teams affiliations, their place of employment, their hobbies, their military branch, and their marital status. They also proclaim how the car owner feels about the current government, human sexuality, their pets, the opposite sex, children, their favorite food and drink, their religious affiliation, their nationality, the environment, and the way they drive.

Some of the stickers give actual advice or warnings to any driver behind them, such as “Are you as close to Jesus as you are to my bumper?” “Am I driving too slow? To report me, Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT,” or “I Swerve to Hit Random Pedestrians.” Others ask vital questions, such as “If someone was addicted to therapy, how would you cure them?” “Why is bra singular and panties plural?” and “Are you trying to sniff my butt?”

The honor student ones are the most obnoxious, if you ask me. The “Proud Parent of an Honor Student at Haughty High” is sickening. I always wanted to put “My kid is more popular and better-looking than your homely honor student” on my car. Or “My kid had sex with your honor student.” Or “My kid doesn’t have time to be on the honor roll. He’s too busy taking nude photographs of your honor roll daughter.”

I would like to go to a mall with an armload of the following bumper stickers: “Your kid may be an honor roll student, but you’re ugly,” “Your kid is on the honor roll because she slept with the principal,” or “My daughter turned down your honor roll student.”