Cool by Degrees

I’m not cool anymore. I used to be cool. I used to dress cool, talk cool, act cool, think cool. I Was Cool. Not anymore. I’m not cool now. I’m just “Mom.” And that’s not cool.
I am 51 years old. I’m not ancient. But to anyone under the age of twenty-five, I was born in an era where females were named “Woman” and males wore animal skins, played with their wheel, and drew stick figures on cave walls.

The music of this decade confuses me. It also assaults every nerve ending in my body at times. Rhyming poetry recited to instrumental remakes of songs from MY era is all the rage with my kids. Granted, some of it I do like. Some of that lyrical poetry is beautiful, meaningful, and moving. So, okay, I may be a little cool. But some of it…..scary stuff. Violent, bloody, everyone has a gun, everyone is smoking weed, everyone hates everyone else. My Cool-O-Meter drops to zero with those songs.

Clothes are a mystery. When I was growing up, and actually to this day, we wore clothes that fit. Baggy clothes meant that a) congratulations, you lost weight , b) you were wearing hand-me-downs, or c) everything else you owned was dirty. Now, kids buy pants two sizes too big, so that nothing rests on waistlines and hems drag under shoes. That is very cool. When my kids were younger, I was always hiking up their pants. I hiked up the pants of George’s best friend Paul, too. I guess it embarrassed Georgie when I did this, but I know Paul’s mom would thank me for it. She’s not cool, either.

Language has changed, too. Note the following examples:


Cool word & meaning: phat, means cool
My uncool meaning: misspelled for overweight

Cool word and meaning: clutch, means cool
My uncool meaning: a type of purse; what you use to shift gears; what you do to
the door handle when you are teaching your kid to drive.

Cool word and meaning: fresh, means cool
My uncool meaning: a kid with a smart mouth

Cool: down - means ready or prepared
Uncool: how I feel when I try on bathing suits; direction my boobs are heading

Cool: “sup”, mean “What’s going on?”
Uncool: what you do at the dinner table

Cool: slammin’, means gorgeous, or sexy
Uncool: what doors do when kids are pissed off at uncool parents

Cool: jet, means hurry
Uncool: a very fast airplane

Cool: bounce, means leave
Uncool: a fabric softener; what kids do on trampolines; what my boobs used to do
when I was slammin’

A large amount of cool that I may have retained from my earlier cool years evaporated when my kids started driving. I became the least cool person on the planet. Litanies began spouting from my mouth every time I heard their car keys jingle. Lists of things that they should and should not do while driving tumbled from my lips. And when they went off to college? Any small trace, any last vestige of cool that may have been lurking in the farthest corner of my body disappeared forever. I was lower than the least cool person on the planet. I was the amoeba of cool. Panic does that to a grown-up.

Dancing is another Cool Indicator. How you dance and what you call your style of dancing are immediate Cool Identifiers. Now, I have heard of break dancing. I know people spin on their heads, do the robot, and move around on the floor. But that was the extent of my knowledge. I had never heard of Breaking, Popping and Locking. For example, did you know that Hitting was a form of Popping? And that Hitting has many styles, such as boogaloo, bopping, puppet, struts, boogie, robotic, and let’s not forget freestyle? Didn’t know that, did you? I guess I am way cooler than you. (Okay, I looked it up on the Internet.) I would not even be able to remember the names of the tons of dance styles there are today, much less actually perform them! In my younger days, we had disco. One style. That’s it. Easy to remember. We spun around the dance floor in four inch heels and Qiana knit and big hair and we looked cool as hell. My kids laugh their heads off when they see us dance. My kids are not cool.

Driving with one’s seat tilted almost parallel to the road and one’s wrist draped coolly over the steering wheel is cool. Wearing ripped-up, faded and frayed shorts that cost $80 is cool. Wearing the same type of tee shirts that we wore in the 70s is cool. Baseball hats that have names of businesses or R-Rated metaphors on them are cool. Carrying a bottle of water everywhere is cool. Laptops are cool, desktops are not cool. Wireless is cool. Tiny little digital cameras that are also camcorders, voice recorders and MP3 players are way cool. Saying “hi” is not cool; saying “hey” or “sup” is cool.

Too many rules are required to be cool today. Too many fads come and go for me to be cool and follow them. It is too damn much work to be cool. I am too old and too tired to be cool. I would rather be uncool and well-rested.