The Elastic Waistband Society

There is an official club that women of a certain age can join. It's called The Red Hat Society. Their website states, "The Red Hat Society calls itself a "dis-organization," and we are proud of our lack of rules and by-laws. We are all helping to develop an enormous nurturing network or women over 50 (and under), by joining red-gloved hands and spreading the joy and companionship we are finding within and among the chapters. We have also discovered a "mission" of sorts: to gain higher visibility for women in our age group and to reshape the way we are viewed by today's culture " (http://www.redhatsociety.com/). These ladies wear red or purple hats and they get together for various chapter meetings and events to celebrate being a middle-aged woman. What an awesome idea!

There is a slight problem, though. I look really terrible in hats. No matter what kind of hat it is, it makes me look like a furtive hound dog, a bank robber, or a drunk. I don't have the face for a hat. Some women look jaunty, cute and stylish wearing a hat. Not me. I look stiff-necked and uncomfortable. So, armed with that knowledge, I am going to start my own society. The Elastic Waistband Society.

In order to become a member of the Elastic Waistband Society (EWS for short), you must be a woman age 50 or over. You have to be one of two things: at least two sizes larger than you were when you were in your twenties, or your waistline must be at least three inches bigger. You can join the EWS if you cannot recall the last time you tucked a shirt in, if you can rest a book on your stomach while reclining in the tub, or if you get out of breath leaning over trying to paint your toenails. If you catch a glimpse of yourself in a store window and you are shocked at your silhouette, if you resemble a Buddha statue from the side, or if you get dizzy trying to suck your gut in, then you can sign up for the EWS.

And if you're like me, waging a constant battle with bulge, constantly power-walking, working out with weights, doing situps and crunches and twists and lunges and lifts, and denying yourself all your favorite foods, then you qualify to be President of a chapter. I myself plan to assume the title "Grand Wizardess of the Entire Universe."

One of the first events that my EWS chapter will sponsor is an ice-cream eating contest. At our monthly meeting every month, we'll get guest speakers, maybe someone like Richard Simmons, and we'll hand out Oreos to throw at him if he tries to make us exercise. We'll take shopping excursions to Lane Bryant, and immediately following we'll have an Apple-tini Drink-Off. We will picket the "5-7-9" (referring to size) clothing shops and we'll have contests to see whose waistline sports the deepest red marks from too-tight clothing. It'll be fun!