Skin Deep

In eager anticipation of the Memorial Day opening of our pool club, I visited an area drugstore to buy suntan lotion. My shopping trip occurred in early May, during a cold snap that had everyone walking around dressed in winter clothes and saying to each other, “Is summer EVER gonna get here?” I figured if I bought suntan lotion, the weather would get warmer.

I find the suntan lotion section easily enough. I am greeted by the sight of a million different bottles and cans, in vivid, tropical colors. We have foams, lotions, gels, oils, spray-ons and roll-ons. What happened to plain old Coppertone? I unclench my frozen fingers and wade in, grabbing a saucy yellowish bottle. Its label tells me that it is a self-tanner. I flash back to senior year of high school, right before my prom. We had a chilly May that year, too, and I was desperate to have a tan for my prom. I bought a bottle of the only available self-tanner in 1975, and used it liberally for a day or two before my prom. Thirty years later, I wonder why I did not notice that I looked like I had crawled out of a bag of Cheese Doodles. I hastily put the self-tanner back on the shelf with a small shiver.

The next bottle, a soft, restful blue, looks promising. It has a decent SPF rating and it isn’t too expensive. I flip it over and read the label. This one informs me that it is most effective when used with another product. I locate the other product on the next shelf and continue reading. This necessary product is a buffing lotion. Apparently I have a ton of dead skin cells that make me look very dull and in order to properly enjoy summer, I must rid myself of these cells. I must buff my dead skin. The ingredients in this buffing lotion include crushed seashells, natural rock which is extracted from some famous valley, Echinacea, Ginkgo Biloba, and Green Tea, along with aloe. Crushed seashells? Natural Rock? Not to mention Echinacea and green tea? So, what they’re saying is that if I use this lotion, I will reduce my risk of high blood pressure, improve my mental alertness, prevent a head cold, and take the first three layers of skin off my body with the seashells and the rock. Really, all I want is a healthy glow so I don’t have to wear pantyhose to work in the summer. The buffing lotion got replaced on the shelf next to the self-tanner.

I pick up another bottle and flip it over. This product is a basic white lotion with an SPF of 4. Fry city. Next. I scan shelf after shelf of suntan products, sulking the whole time because I can’t simply slather on baby oil and marinate myself like I used to do in high school. I read labels that proclaim All-Over, All-Day, Won’t Be Sweated Off, Wash-On, Unscented, Dry Oil, Ultra Sheer, Amplifier, Hypoallergenic, Cooling, Waterproof, High Frequency Sunblock, Suntan, Sunscreen. Ingredients range from aloe and cocoa butter to dandelion, carrot oil, copper, and yeast extract. Locations are mentioned: Australia, Africa, Florida, Hawaii, California. I note, no NJ. At this point, I am feeling dizzy. All I want to do is sit safely by the pool, reading my book and chatting with other sun worshippers and not sauté’ myself so badly that I glow in the dark later that night. This should not be so hard.

At this point, I have been lurking in the suntan lotion aisle for 20 minutes and the employees are covertly watching me. I have to choose something quick before security approaches me and arrests me for loitering. I grab a bottle with a picture of a bikini-clad female stretched out on white sand and head to the cashier. On my way, I notice the moisturizer section. Hmmm, I say to myself, with all this sun I’ll be getting, I’ll need to moisturize, won’t I? The first bottle I pick up suggests that before I use this cream, I’ll need to exfoliate. (Synonym for exfoliate: buff.) Crushed seashells and natural rock again? Seriously? All I want to do is come home from the pool, shower, and slap some cool lotion on my glowing skin. I learn from browsing through this section that pearly microbeads can reduce my facial appearance by ten years, that there is such a thing as de-crinkling, and that, if I follow the directions, I can prevent and yes, even correct, any sagging of skin that may be occurring.

Forget it. Give me the good, old-fashioned bottle of Jergens and let’s get the heck out of here. I pay for my two bottles of beauty and leave the store, fighting the wind as I cross the parking lot to my car.

I hope everyone enjoys the warm weather. Maybe I’ll see you around the township this summer, or by the pool. For those of you who don’t know me, I will be the woman with abraded skin and crushed seashells embedded in my flesh.