Woman Law

I am sure you have seen the Miller Light commercials where the Men of the Square Table decide on Man Laws. These Man Laws are unwritten codes of conduct for macho men. After seeing this commercial ad nauseum during the regular NFL season, I have decided to write a few Woman Laws:

Woman Law #1 – It is acceptable and even encouraged for a woman to be expert in NFL knowledge.

Woman Law #2 – It is acceptable for a woman to keep her toenails unpolished during the winter, but as soon as the temperature reaches 65 degrees and stays that way for two weeks, said woman must slap on at least a coat of clear polish.

Woman Law #3 –It is totally unacceptable to wear a spaghetti-strap top and have bra straps showing. This offense is comparable to a man wearing a crew neck undershirt with a V-neck sweater. No one wants to be presented with evidence of the color of another person’s undergarments.

Woman Law #4 – It is acceptable for a flat-chested woman to go braless, but a woman whose bra size exceeds a 34A must always wear a bra. Always. Unbound boobs scare people other than men.

Woman Law #5 –It is unacceptable for a woman to wear ill-fitting shoes, even if they go with her outfit. A woman must wear shoes that fit at all times. The woman who has “pump fat” hanging over her Size 6 Manolo Blahniks should go up a size or three. Same for the heels. If a woman wears a great pair of Via Spiga sandals and her heels hang over the backs and sides, then her feeling of specialness and richness gained by wearing such sandals is cancelled out and she may as well wear Converse High-Tops.

Woman Law #6 – It is unacceptable for any woman to not groom her eyebrows. Every woman must have well-groomed eyebrows, preferably two of them.

Woman Law #7 – (related to Woman law #6) It is unacceptable for a woman to pluck or shave her eyebrows completely off. If a woman wants to draw eyebrows, then take Art 101 at the local community college.

Woman Law #8 – It is acceptable for a woman to blatantly eye another woman up and down if the eyer is admiring clothing. If said eying is followed by verbal references to another woman’s ass, boobs, or other specific body parts, then the eying crosses a line and must be ceased, or pertinent questions must be asked.

Woman Law #9 – It is acceptable for a woman to dance to a fast song with another woman. As soon as the tempo slows down, both women should beat it off the floor as soon as possible without falling.

Woman Law #10 – It is acceptable for women to accompany each other to the ladies’ room. This is a direct contrast to Man Law #10, which states that no man may accompany another man to the men’s room and if they meet in there, no eye contact is to be made.

Woman Law #11 – It is acceptable for a woman to call another woman derogatory names, such as a bitch, if she is asking for it. This is another direct contrast to Man Law, which states that no man is permitted to even think the word bitch as it relates to a specific woman. Said man who does so risks bitch-slapping.

Woman Law #12 – It is not acceptable for a woman to slap another woman on the ass, even in an athletic contest. A pat on the back or shoulder or a quick hug or even an air-kiss conveys happiness, jubilation, or excitement just as well as the ass-slap.

Woman Law #13 – It is acceptable for a woman to use a wireless headset in public, especially at the mall. Shopping and talking on the phone are two very important occupations and to be able to combine the two? Throw in a chocolate bar and you have achieved heaven on earth.

Woman Law #14 – It is acceptable for a woman to coat everything in chocolate. Especially during a significant week or two every month, when it is suggested that she is permitted to do whatever she wants with her chocolate.

Woman Law #15 – It is unacceptable for a woman to flirt with a man who is spoken for, unless the flirter dislikes the man’s woman. In which case, it is strongly encouraged for the flirter to turn on the charm and perhaps, if at a venue with live music, request the song, “Dontcha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me?” while swaying sinuously in front of the man. Watch your back, though. An attack may come at any time.

Woman Law #16 – It is acceptable for a woman to drink beer out of a can or bottle. If you need a glass to drink beer out of, then you are not woman enough to drink the stuff.

Woman Law #17 – It is acceptable for a woman to wear unmatched bra and panties, unless “action” is on the immediate horizon.